


It's (not) nothing

by eternalmurasaki (hontou_ni_fxxk_desu)



Category: KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Implied Relationships, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 08:26:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10486506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hontou_ni_fxxk_desu/pseuds/eternalmurasaki
Summary: Do normal people cry for no reason at all, out of the blue?





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for writing this fic. It just... wrote itself.  
> Kame isn't even like this in my personal headcanon...  
> My deepest apologies to Kame and to people who wanted to read happy stuff.

Kame isn't suicidal. He can't be, because he knows he'll never actually kill himself. Sure, sometimes he wishes it would all stop - the impossible pressure at work, the unrealistic expectations people have regarding his personal life.

Sometimes, on his way home, Kame tells himself "If I died now, all this mess would stop."  
Then he thinks about his parents, his family, and of course, he knows he'll never take his own life.

It's just an occasional nagging thought, not an obsession. Kame thinks he's not depressed, because he's usually in a good mood - things aren't as bad as they could be, he has many things to be grateful for. And he is, grateful.

And then one evening he jokes about wanting to kill himself to Pi, and the latter smiles nervously, looking unsure whether that's really a joke or not.   
Kame insists that he was kidding.

But then, why is he crying, alone at home a couple of hours later?

One minute he'd been smiling at the memory of his dumb joke, the next he's wondering if normal people think about death that often.

Kame's not suicidal... but then why is he crying, gasping for air?  
Do normal people cry for no reason at all, out of the blue?

Things had even been looking up for him recently... then, why?

Deep down he knows there are reasons. It's not just KAT-TUN. It's knowing so much of his life is a façade. Knowing he has a knack for falling in love with the wrong people. Feeling like his life is slipping out of control and wondering where the hell he's going with all this.

But he doesn't want to break his family's heart. He doesn't want to disappoint anyone more than he already has.  
He knows his friends will insist that he's not a disappointment, but that doesn't change the way he sometimes feels.

He's close to Pi these days, but not enough to talk about this. And he doesn't want to scare his friends for nothing. Because this _is_ nothing, it has to be. He's not suicidal. He's just... tired.   
A little messed up inside.

He wipes his tears and feels ridiculous. Thank God no-one is here to witness this. A decade ago, he might have messaged his then-best friend. Jin would've understood. But now...

He'd probably still understand, but Kame doesn't want to bother him. He can't exactly message him for the first time in months to talk about something this depressing.

 

An ugly part of Kame thinks he deserves to feel this way.

No matter how much he tries to convince himself that friendship is all he wants with Jin, he knows that deep down, he's still helplessly in love with him, and that if Jin ever showed any sign of renewed interest, if Jin were a cheater... Kame knows he would give in.

As it is, the older isn't that kind of person. He loves his wife and Kame is alone with fantasies and hopes that make him feel like a shitty person. At least, he doesn't act on them - that has to count for something, doesn't it? Sometimes, for several months on end he forgets about it. And then, for no apparent reason he's back to square one.

Kame doesn't know why he's crying. He wasn't even thinking about Jin to begin with. 

Is it work, exhaustion, or just that he feels lost?  
When this happens, every single negative thought seems to come back to the forefront of his mind anyway.  
He tries to blink away his tears and breathes deeply. He needs to pull himself together.

He briefly considers calling his mom. Because at least, what he feels for his family makes him feel peaceful.

In the end, he doesn't. He doesn't want to scare her either.

It's nothing, he'll get over it.

The layer of dry tears on his face is unpleasant.  
Now that he's let it all out and has calmed down, he feels so dumb. He's not even sure why he broke down in the first place anymore.

 _Just like I thought,_ he thinks, _It was nothing but exhaustion._

He pushes away the thoughts that tell him it's _not_ nothing. Even if this seldom happens - maybe just two or three times per year- it's not nothing.

But Kame doesn't want talk about it.   
Because if he does, he'll feel hopeless all over again.

No, he'll go back to being the usual happy Kame. Because that's who he is.  
That's who he wants to be.  
That's who he has to be.

His heart twists as he remembers a much younger Jin telling him he doesn't have to always be strong. He briefly wonders how Jin would react if he found out that Kame had killed himself-  
then he hurriedly pushes the thought away. How fucked up can he get. No, he's not going to let himself think about any of it.

Because he's not going to kill himself.  
Because that would only make things worse for everybody.

He blesses his exhaustion as he makes himself go to bed.  
A good night's sleep will help. He knows that tomorrow morning he'll feel even more stupid for breaking down like this.

 _It's not stupid._ teenage-Jin's voice reminds him, in his memories.

Kame closes his eyes and hopes for the best.  
Night-time was never a good time to think about these things 

Tomorrow morning will be better.

Until next time.


End file.
